Cheating: Don't get even, be better.
by: CarmelaKing
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Finding out that your spouse is having an extra-marital affair is definitely a heartbreaking experience for anyone. You can even find yourself in situations which, due to your emotional outburst and anger, you have resorted to some embarrassing acts just to release the pain caused by cheating. There are news of a husband climbing towers to commit suicide after knowing his wife is having an affair, a woman gate-crashing a party to confront another woman which happens to be her best friend, such stories which are almost comical for other people to hear or see but very real and painful to those who is actually experiencing it. It is expected because having an extra marital affair shakes the entire foundation of marriage which is trust and faith. It is very easy to get carried to your emotions under these circumstances, but what will happen next after? Will you be able to carry out yourself gracefully from the humiliating acts you have done to vent out your frustrations and anger? What should anyone do in the face of this kind of marital dilemma?
First is to allow yourself to grieve but keep yourself mentally awake at the same time. You have all the right to be angry whatever the type of relationship you two had in the past. Don't put yourself in the state of denial because the pain will still sink in sooner or later.
Second, give the two of you the chance to sit and talk about the situation. Yes, the pain of cheating is not an easy thing which can be handled just like that. But rather than dealing with the pain by blaming and shaming, shifting out, throwing the partner out or pretending the affair never happened, a dialogue should give you a chance to understand and probably be able to decide on options. If both sides are willing, you can even seek a mediator's help, either a professional one or a common friend. Listen to each other and try to find out why the affair had happened in the first place. There are issues that may have started even before the marriage began like psychological issues, but we are talking about those marital issues which are commonly happening on day to day basis such as the lack of quality time, communication problems, or even fading intimacy. Depending on the quality of life you two had when you were together, you should be mature and humble enough to talk about the aftermaths of an affair. After the conversation, the most important question is, will you be continuing the relationship or let your partner go away to start anew?
After the dialogue, you will get to the point that you will have to assess the path which both of you would take. Have you developed love enough to be able to give a reconciliation a chance and rebuild the lost faith and trust?
If you decide to seek help thru a third-party, make sure that you go to a neutral person who will be able to give reliable insights not just plain talking the situation. A professional counselor, a spiritual elder, a trusted mature friend, these can prove valuable to the couple and could offer insights, observations and options that the couple might not be able to see right away amid the hurt. Professional counselors would also have the scientific tools, exercises and methods with which to encourage dialogue that the couple might otherwise not have access to. As it is to any marital problems, communication is the key on this type of marital crisis. However painful it is to undergo the process of finding out the causes of why a partner chose have an extra-marital affair, it is still beneficial because it will provide you the reasons and time to re-examine the couple's expectations and motivations in marriage as well as improving an individual personal well-being.
Yes, the period of time you are trying to mend marriage and resolving conflicts is the perfect time to work on your personal strengths. If you are the offending party, be able to contribute and take efforts to save the marriage. End the affair and keep your promise while taking time to regain trust from your partner. On the other, the offended spouse can work on rebuilding her self-esteem, learning how to understand her reactions and all in all becoming a whole person in herself and an active partner in the relationship. And then do the works together. Spend a vacation together or just spend more time together. If the pain is searing back again, try to overcome it by remembering your most happy days. And then do small acts of love to each other, just the way you have been doing on the first years of your marriage. Establish intimacy slowly but surely and you might ignite the passion which may have diminished by time. By doing this, you will be gradually putting yourselves back in track of your married life.
To sum it all up, having a cheating partner is not necessarily the end of the world for a couple. It is just a matter of right attitude in dealing with it. Instead of bringing down the whole world with you in despair and thru endless wailing, take the most positive things out of this seemingly worst situation. Grasp this opportunity to strengthen your union and you should be able to stand the rest of the storms that are still to come as you journey through life together as a couple.
About the Author
Carmela King is a team member of 000relationships.com. She has been writing articles primarily on how to attract men and how to attract women. Get a totally unique version of this article from our article submission service
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